Because of absence

Mother: “Why did you get such a low mark on that test?”
Junior: “Because of absence.”
Mother: “You mean you were absent on the day of the test?”
Junior: “No, but the kid who sits next to me was.”

report card

Sylvia: “Dad, can you write in the dark?”
Dad: “I think so. What do you want me to write?”
Sylvia: “Your name on this report card.”

earth science class

The teacher of the earth science class was lecturing on map reading.

After explaining about latitude, longitude, degrees and minutes the teacher asked, “Suppose I asked you to meet me for lunch at 23 degrees, 4 minutes north latitude and 45 degrees, 15 minutes east longitude…?”

After a confused silence, a voice volunteered, “I guess you’d be eating alone.”

School Ahead, Go Slow

Teacher: “Why are you late, Joseph?”
Joseph: “Because of a sign down the road.”
Teacher: “What does a sign have to do with you being late?”
Joseph: “The sign said, ‘School Ahead, Go Slow!’”

God is watching

The students were lined up in the cafeteria for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray: “Take only ONE. God is watching.”

Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. A child had written a note, “Take all you want. God is watching the apples.”

My homework

A little girl came home from school and said to her mother, “Mommy, today in school I was punished for something that I didn’t do.”

The mother exclaimed, “But that’s terrible! I’m going to have a talk with your teacher about this … by the way, what was it that you didn’t do?”

The little girl replied, “My homework.”

A man talking to God

A man talking to God:

The man: “God, how long is a million years?”
God: “To me, it’s about a minute.”
The man: “God, how much is a million dollars?”
God: “To me it’s a penny.”
The man: “God, may I have a penny?”
God: “Wait a minute.”

The Priest and Nun

A priest was driving along and saw a nun on the side of the road, he stopped and offered her a lift which she accepted. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to open and reveal a lovely leg. The priest had a look and nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.

The nun looked at him and immediately said,  "Father remember psalm 129?"

The priest was flustered and apologised profusely. He forced himself to remove his hand. However,he was unable to remove his eyes from  her leg. Further on while changing gear, he let his hand slide up her leg again.

The nun once again said, "Father, remember psalm 129?"

Once again the priest apologised. "Sorry sister but the flesh is weak."

Arriving at the convent, the nun got out gave him a meaningful glance and went on her way. On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to retrieve the bible and looked up psalm 129. It said, "Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory."

Moral of the story:

Always be well informed in your job, or you might miss a great opportunity.

Genie and Manager

A sales rep, an administration clerk and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out in a puff of smoke. The Genie says, "I usually only grant three wishes, so I'll give each of you just one."

"Me first! Me first!"says the admin clerk "I  want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the  world.

Poof! She's gone.

In astonishment, "Me next! Me next!" says the sales rep. I want to be in Hawaii,  relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an Endless supply of pina coladas and the love of my life." Poof! He's gone.

OK, you're  up," the Genie says to the manager. The manager says, "I want those two back in  the office after lunch."

Moral of story:

Always let  your boss have the first say.

Crow and Rabbit

A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day. A small rabbit saw the crow, and asked  him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long?"

The crow answered: "Sure, why not."

So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow, and rested. All of a sudden a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Moral of story:

To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.

Turkey and Bull

A turkey was chatting with a bull.

" I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, "but I haven't got the energy."

"Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?"  replied the bull.

"They're packed with nutrients."

The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.

Finally after a fourth night, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree. Soon he was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of the tree.

Moral of story:

Bull shit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.

$800 Debt

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower when the doorbell rings. After a few seconds of arguing over which one should go and answer the doorbell, the wife gives up, quickly wraps herself up  in a towel and runs downstairs.

When she opens the door, there stands Bob the next door neighbor. Before she says a word, Bob says, "I'll give you $800 to  drop that towel that you have on"

After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob. After a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves.

Confused, but excited about her good fortune,  the woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When she gets back  to the bathroom, her husband asks from the shower,

"Who was that?"

"It was Bob  the next door neighbour," she replies.

"Great," the  husband says, did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?"

Moral of the  story:

If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk in time with your stakeholders, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.